Read Our Lips #3: Trash Talking, Boys who are just using you, and Meg’s jelly belly

April 10th, 2009

Do you ever have one of those days where you wake up and go to put on some jeans, and maybe they’re jeans you haven’t put on in a while, but they used to fit, and now you can’t even button them anymore?

And so you decide maybe they shrank in the wash.

But just to be sure you pull out your other jeans, and put them on.

But then you pull them on and they don’t fit either?

And so you stagger over to the bathroom scale you’ve been ignoring for months and it’s all dusty and you wipe off the dust and even though every fiber of your being tells you not to get on it, you do.

And it tells you this horrible lie, like that you weigh ten pounds more than you did last October?

And you realize the jeans didn’t shrink in the washer, you grew, only not UP, out, and it’s probably because of all the full fat Coca-Colas you’ve been drinking recently (but diet gives you migraines!).

But they were those mini-cans of Coke! They were so cute! Only a hundred calories. Surely one a day couldn’t hurt. And you needed them, for energy to keep writing all those books you have due!

And then, in your sorrow and despair over your ten pound Coke-filled jelly belly, you open People Magazine….

…and there’s supermodel Kathy Ireland, and HOLY MOLY! Look what happened to her!

That’s not a baby on the left! No, she admits, that’s her jelly belly from too much ice cream! Kathy’s jeans didn’t fit this morning either! When she got on the scale, she got a big surprise, too!

And now she’s embarking on a new healthier lifestyle because she’s been letting herself drink too many full fat mini Cokes for energy, too!

Only she’s not going to deny herself the foods she loves, because that’s just the road to disaster. She’s going to eat right and do a little light exercise, but have ice cream and mini Cokes once in a while, too. Because if you don’t have ice cream and mini Cokes once in a while, what’s the point in being alive?

Just you know, maybe not EVERY DAY.

I love Kathy Ireland! I feel so much better!

Phew.

The end.

Enjoy this all-new minty fresh full fat episode of Read Our Lips, in which we discuss trash-talking (mmm, I love trash talk—but too much is a bad thing, just like full-fat mini Coke), and boys who try use you as their therapists during their breakups. Also check out the drawing I did of cave women gossiping. It’s a classic:

More later.

Much love,

Meg

PS This is to all of you girls who keep to writing to us about the boys you like but you’re afraid:

a) he doesn’t like you
b) he likes your best friend better, and/or
c) school is ending soon and you will never see him again.

For the love of God, ladies, have some ovaries and JUST ASK HIM OUT! What’s the worse that can happen? He’ll say no? Well, there’s a fifty/fifty chance he might say YES!

And if you don’t ask him out, some other girl will, and then she’ll get him! So ASK THE BOY OUT! Seriously, by the time I was fourteen, I’d asked boys I liked out a million times, and none of them were “dates.” (I wasn’t allowed to date–HA HA HA Mom, fooled you didn’t I?)

It doesn’t have to be a big deal. It can just be to a school event, like a game or a play or a car wash for your church or some other dumb thing where you arrange to be there at the same time (hopefully in your bikini). Just something so the two of you can get to know each other better. Just DO IT.

Here’s a Wiki to tell you how to ask a boy out. Read the whole thing. Read it twice. Check out the related Wikis below, as well.

PPS This doesn’t mean we aren’t going to answer your question, we just may not get to it before school lets out.

May the Force by with you. — Meg ‘n Michele