Do Zombies Poop?

April 30th, 2008

There’s so much going on I hardly know where to start. Of course there’s the Miley Cyrus topless photo scandal…

…although frankly, if I were Miley, I’d be more freaked out by the photos of her posing with her dad like he’s her high school boyfriend than by her alleged “topless” photos.

Seriously, think of your dad.

Then think of posing with your dad like this:

Could you do it? With a straight face?

No. Me either. I’d be all, “Dad, ew, gross, stop farting.”

But maybe when Billy Ray is your dad, it’s different.

But there is so much more going on than just the latest Miley scandal!

There’s the fact that Kathy Griffin and the Woz broke up! And he’s apparently marrying someone else! Why, Woz, why? You could have had gossip and laughter every day for breakfast. And now what are you having? Boring old oatmeal? For shame, Woz! It’s not worth it. Go back to Kathy!

And then there is the very icky news that just came out of that polygamist compound in Texas that 31 (at last count) of the 50 teen girls ages 14-17 that they plucked from there are currently pregnant or have already given birth! (Probably, although the blood tests have not come in, by the same couple of 50 year old guys. Ew, ew, and triple ew, and ditto what I said above about farting. Could you IMAGINE????)

I just wish Judge Judy were the judge on this compound case. She’d be like, “Older men having sex with teenagers? That’s disgraceful! That is disgraceful, sir! What were you thinking, madam, letting your daughter do that?” Then she’d make Byrd escort all the men off the compound (permanently), and then the women and children could just live there alone, and the kids would get all sorts of toys instead of having to get up at 3:30AM to mill flour every day. That would be so sweet.

Polygamist men, watch out: When Judge Judy and Byrd come to town, YOU ARE GOING DOWN!!!

Fortunately there is some good news. I have returned from the mother ship (or, as people who are not born there call it, the state of Indiana), where election fever is gripping the heartland. It’s lovely to see so many people caring so much about a presidential campaign for a change. I got to help by sticking labels on mailings and by pointing out to people who are not voting for my candidate of choice how wrong they are, something I think everyone always appreciates (okay, not really. But in my mind they appreciate it).

If you’re feeling down about the election or the state of the economy or the environment or just need a pick-me-up, I again suggest Alexander McCall Smith’s The Miracle at Speedy Motors. I just finished it and it was so good.

It did make me cry though (all the Precious Ramotswe books do, but in a good way. I don’t know why. As Precious put it in this book, sometimes things just pile up—something I think we can all agree on right now—and you have to cry).

I love these books because they follow my philosophy (or the one I try to follow), that kindness is the best policy. Although this isn’t always easy given how annoying most people are these days (like the gum chewer behind me on the plane yesterday). Still, if we’d all just try to be kind to one another, think how much better the world would be.

And Rachel Vail’s new book, Lucky, is out now!

I can’t wait to read it. I love Rachel’s books. Her writing is so crisp and spare, yet so affecting and touching—I can never put one of her books down without heaving a big sigh of happiness.

And this is just the first in a series about three sisters! This one seems to be based on something that really happened to Rachel (at least according to her blog), so that makes me thing this one should be especially good.

Meanwhile, reviews for Airhead (shipping now at many online retailers, coming to a bookstore near you by May 13, if not before—call your local bookseller and be sure to reserve your copy now [at no extra cost, of course]!) continue to roll in!

Here’s a fun one from 3 Evil Cousins (I love that name. I only have one girl cousin, and she’s the opposite of evil, so I could never have a blog like this)!

And here’s a great one from Kirkus:

Unlike her starry-eyed sister, down-to-earth Em Watts isn’t thrilled to be at Stark Megastore’s star-studded opening, especially since her best friend and secret crush, Christopher, can’t stop drooling over teen modeling sensation and Stark representative, Nikki Howard. Just as Em wonders how Nikki can captivate people so, she suffers an accident that sends her to a Manhattan hospital with life-altering injuries that intimately intertwine both women forever—(this line deleted due to being a major spoiler). This bizarre new relationship with Nikki forces Em, a self-identifying feminist, to reevaluate her life views and slowly to accept Nikki as more than just an airhead. Although quick to set up the accident and its repercussions, the text slows down to an even pace, introducing many juicy issues to be explored in the upcoming sequel, especially with respect to nefarious corporate activities. Although it relies on a somewhat far-fetched premise, the text’s abundant references to current pop culture and Em’s witty character keep this read both grounded and fun. (Fiction. YA)

This isn’t the first review to mention that the premise for Airhead is far-fetched, but I would just like to assure you, it is not. I don’t want to spoil the book for you by telling you what that premise is (it’s actually part of the mystery the heroine has to solve, or I would). But I spent days researching it, and the premise is not only possible, it HAS BEEN DONE.

Well, on monkeys. I’d provide you with the links to the data I read (which is online), but again, it would spoil the book for you.

And okay, the monkeys didn’t live very long, and personally, I don’t think they had a very good time. But I’m just saying. It’s been done.

So, it’s not far-fetched in any way. It is the FUTURE.

I’ve often wondered why people say books where girls turn out to be princesses, or get struck by lightning and turn out to have ESP—BOTH OF WHICH HAVE ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN DOCUMENTED, REAL LIFE CASES–are far-fetched, but never say books about boys who turn out to be wizards, or fly around on dragons, or turn out to be vampires or fairies, are far-fetched. Because there is actually such a thing as princesses and ESP. There is no such thing as wizards, dragons, vampires, fairies, or, sadly, Hellboy. Or Speed Racer. Or, by the way, zombies.

And just why doesn’t anyone think zombies are far-fetched? All of my friends categorically believe in the zombie apocalypse, and even plan on coming to my barnhouse in Indiana in order to survive it.


Artist’s rendering of how actual zombie invasion might look.

(Because as everyone knows, by the time the zombie apocalypse occurs, Florida will be underwater, and my barnhouse is far out in the country, off the grid, and has it’s own septic tank—and of course my friends and I all assume we’re going to live, and not be turned into zombies…although my recent idea, to buy a grenade launcher with which to shoot the zombies from the barn’s hay loft windows, has not been met with as much as enthusiasm as I expected, especially from He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog, who says he would feel uncomfortable having a grenade launcher in his basement, even if it is solely for use in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Author’s note: With current Indiana gun laws, it is both possible and easy for anyone to buy a grenade launcher).

Whatever. This leads me to my final thought, which occurred to me on the plane coming home to Key West yesterday: Do zombies poop? And if so (and I am thinking they do, because they eat a lot of brains), where? Do they just go on themselves? Or do they use toilets?

If they use toilets, they can’t use mine, because my septic tank can’t sustain that many people, live or undead. Which is why the number of people who can seek refuge in my barnhouse in the event of the zombie apocalypse is, sadly, limited. I mean, I would like to invite all of you, but there are practical hygienic concerns to keep in mind.

However, if you bring a grenade launcher, you are totally welcome anytime.

More later.

Much love,

Meg