So Many Crushes, So Little Time

July 3rd, 2006

Oh, great.

So according to the Sunday New York Times, the children of Warren E. Buffett, the celebrated investor and my current crush, are already at work trying to figure out how to manage a gift from their father valued at about $1 billion each that will go to their own charitable foundations.

OK, so you got this part, right? How to manage a gift from their father valued at about $1 billion each that will go to their own charitable foundations.

Yeah. Even Warren Buffett's KIDS are perfect. What inheritance they did get, they're donating—just like Dad (and Mom). Only theirs is going to stuff like promoting early childhood education, safe drinking water, and the well-being of Native Americans.

I think I am going to have to give up my crush. There is just no way I will ever be able to live up to him…OR his kids.

I think I am going to have to stick to having a crush on someone a little less perfect and more attainable (but I will continue to admire W.B.—and his kids—from afar): George Clooney.

In the meantime, let's talk about Kathy Griffin.

Oh, Kathy! How can anyone not love you? First, on your new season of KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D LIST on Bravo, you auction off a weekend with yourself for charity. HOW COULD I NOT HAVE HEARD ABOUT THIS???

Kathy, I would have paid WAY MORE THAN FIVE GRAND (the money went to charity) TO HANG OUT AT YOUR PLACE FOR THE WEEKEND, if only so I could return and give the scoop about what's REALLY going on with you and your husband Matt to all my friends (and blog readers).

And Kathy, you would not have had to hire a chef for me. I eat mainly popcorn and TaB anyway. And I already have an iPod. And I don't even like massages.

I really thought nothing could top that visit from the guy who won you. But then I saw the episode about the visit from your niece and nephew.

Kathy. You had at me I hate kids.

Let's get one thing straight: I love children.

I just do not want to have any living with me full time. Because children

1) make way too much noise when they eat
2) wake up way too early
3) cry
4) are often times incontinent
5) can't drive
6) aren't allowed to drink
7) watch bad television shows (and not even good bad, like Tori Spelling in Mother, May I Sleep With Danger, just bad bad)
8) never have the right change
9) don't read the New Yorker so can't keep up with the conversation
10) think a funny joke is to wipe boogers on you

I love being an aunt. Being an aunt is great because you get all the fun stuff about parenting—such as cheating at Candyland and saying, “Well, yes, there is a ghost that haunts my house, but it only haunts bad little children who get out of bed when they aren't supposed to”—but when the crying and incontinence and booger wiping starts, you can just hand the kid off to her parents.

SWEET.

And Kathy gets this. You can tell.

But then—as if all that was not enough to make me love her forever and ever (but in a different way than I love Warren and George)–Kathy had to go and entertain the troops in Iraq. Not just entertain, but spend hours with Michael McDonald and Keri Turner PAINSTAKINGLY crafting the act they felt would be FUNNIEST TO THE TROOPS.

Do you guys have any idea how hard that is—crafting an act to suit a particular audience?

Well, believe me, it's hard. Ask me about my visit to that middle school: Horny. Ring a bell?

But Kathy did it. BECAUSE SHE CARES, PEOPLE.

Also, WHY WON'T MY HUSBAND DO MY HAIR FOR ME THE WAY KATHY'S HUSBAND DOES FOR HER???

It's not fair. All He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog will do for me is cook for me, and drive me to the post office.

And he says we have to leave NOW, so…bye.

More later.

Much love,

Meg

PS Happy 4th of July, America!