GOOGLE EYED

June 23rd, 2006

This past week has turned out to be very traumatic on the feline front.

I stumbled downstairs one morning, bleary-eyed and looking for tea, when I noticed that one of Gem's pupils was way bigger than the other.

The following conversation occurred in our kitchen:

Me:
How come one of Gem's pupils is way bigger than the other? That can't be normal.

He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog:
She's fine. She just ate.

Me:
(ignoring him, going to Google, as any sane person would)
OH MY GOD! On Google it says uneven pupils in cats can be caused from brain tumors, feline leukemia, and POISON!

HWSNBNITB:
She obviously doesn't have any of those things. Look, she's eating her catnip squid.

Me:
(calling vet)
My cat has uneven pupils. What should I do?

Receptionist at vet:
You need to bring her in immediately.

Me:
(hanging up)
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! THEY SAID TO BRING HER IN IMMEDIATELY! GET DRESSED! GET THE CAT CARRIER! OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TO PASS OUT, I'M HAVING A HEAD RUSH, I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD TEA YET!

HWSNBNITB:
Why are you lying on the dining room floor?

Me:
BECAUSE I AM HAVING A HEAD RUSH! GET DRESSED! GET THE CAT CARRIER! TAKE THE CAT TO THE VET!

HWSNBNITB:
Maybe YOU'RE the one who needs to go the hospital….

Me:
JUST DO IT! NOW!!!!!

After about ten minutes of lying under the dining room table, I felt better. I crawled across the floor to a phone and called every single person I know who owns or has owned cats. None of them had ever heard of uneven pupils in cats…even the Cat Man of Key West (no, not this Cat Man of Key West, but my friend's husband, who feeds–and catches and has spayed or neutered–a bunch of the stray cats in town at four every morning without fail…and when he goes on vacation he hires a cat sitter to feed his stray cats. Also, when he found a kitten that was born with just stumps instead of legs, no paws, he gave it to his wife, who now calls it Peggy).

Nothing. No one had a clue. Not even the Cat Man. Not even his wife.

Then I rolled over and saw something horrifying by the leg of one of the dining room chairs. I immediately called HWSNBNITB on his cell.

Me:
Well? Are you there? What did the vet say?

HWSNBNITB:
That he's never seen anything like it in his twenty years of practice and he doesn't know what's wrong with her.

Me:
What about the brain tumor? The feline leukemia? The POISON?

HWSNBNITB:
Stop Googling medical disorders. She doesn't have any of those things. They checked.

Me:
What about the half-eaten lizard I just found on the dining room carpet just now while I was lying under the table, trying to recover from my head rush?

HWSNBNITB:
(asks the vet something. Then asks me:)
Is it a Gila monster? Because those are the only poisonous lizards in Florida.

Me:
HOW SHOULD I KNOW WHAT A GILA MONSTER LOOKS LIKE?

HWSNBNITB:
(sighing)
Google it.

Me:
(get up to Google Poisonous Lizards of Florida)
It's not a Gila monster.

HWSNBNITB:
See? She's fine.

Me:
HOW CAN SHE BE FINE WHEN ONE PUPIL IS BIGGER THAN THE OTHER???

HWSNBNITB:
The vet just said if it hasn't improved in twenty-four hours, we should take her to Miami for more tests with a feline ophthalmologist.

Me:
(Miami is four hours away by car. EACH WAY)
MIAMI??????????? I HAVE TO BE IN A CAR WITH AN OUTDOOR CAT FOR EIGHT OR MORE HOURS?????? We're flying.

HWSNBNITB:
Look, we'll keep her inside all day and observe her. If it doesn't get better, then we'll take her to Miami.

Gem and HWSNBNITB returned home. We observed her all day, much to her consternation (all she wanted to do was go outside and find more lizards to eat).

Result:
Her pupils were back to normal the next day. And have remained so ever since.

Observation continues. Slutty McSlut-A-Lot and her Love Slave are hating every minute of it, as you can see.

I am trying to keep off Google.

Thank you for your support.

More later.

Much love,

Meg