The “That’s it. I’m out” Moment

September 29th, 2005

So it seems like a lot of celebrities announced that they’re getting divorced this week. I have to say I pretty much saw all of them coming except Kathy Griffin’s. I was truly shocked when I heard she and Matt were splitting up, because they seemed like such a funny, caring couple on her reality show.

My friend Michele Jaffe commented that Kathy and Matt seemed “gentle” with each other, which I thought was a really astute observation. It’s important to be “gentle” with your spouse (not all the time, but when it matters), because they really are the person closest to you, and the person you should be most careful about “playing nicely” with.

I have no idea why Kathy and Matt are splitting, but I have feelers out to ALL my Hollywood connections, so as soon as I hear, I’ll tell you. I personally suspect it would have to be something BIG, like drugs or a hooker (on Matt’s part, duh). I highly doubt Kathy has a drug problem or a boy toy, because as a busy female entertainer myself, I can tell you, we have no time for drugs or boy toys. No. Time.

I get really sad when celebrity couples I like split up, because I like being married and I do believe monogamy can work, if you choose the right person. I have been married almost 13 years. When I mentioned that once at a book signing, everyone started to applaud, and I was really startled by that, because, truthfully, it doesn’t feel like a big accomplishment, because it hasn’t been that hard.

Sure, there have been some rough spots, most notably when I had Lyme Disease and didn’t know it and we were in a fancy restaurant in Italy and my husband said “Yes” to the special even though he didn’t know what it was.

And the special turned out to be a GIANT platter of newborn octopuses.

And we HAD to eat them to be polite because it was this big specialty and the chef came out to make sure we liked them and everyone in the restaurant was cheering us on to eat more.

And their tiny eyes were looking up at me and their tiny heads were exploding in my mouth, and I had a complete psychotic breakdown that ended up with me running out of the restaurant and jogging 2 miles back to our hotel in my high heels with no idea where I was going in the middle of the night through the streets of Rome, and my husband accusing me of being a crazy person when I finally did find the hotel, because he had been so scared when he couldn’t find me.

But he apologized later, both for making me eat the newborn octopuses and for accusing me of being crazy when it actually turned out I had an undiagnosed NEUROLOGICAL DISORDER at the time.

And then I apologized for running out of the restaurant and for scaring him with my psychotic breakdown, even though technically it hadn’t been my fault.

That is how we have managed to stay married for 13 years—knowing when to apologize, even when it wasn’t technically your fault.

Obviously there are some things no apology will fix. Every married person has his or her own limit to what he or she will put up with–that one thing that, if it ever happens, no apology will ever remedy. I call it the “That’s it. I’m out” moment. Renee Zelwegger’s “That’s it. I’m out” moment evidently came five months into her marriage with that country singer. Since she’s asking for an annulment on the grounds of fraud, which means she’s claiming the marriage was entered into under false pretenses, we can only assume that the cowboy turned out to be having some trouble in the old bunk house (ALLEGEDLY).

That would definitely qualify as an “That’s it. I’m out” moment for me (and this is another reason why I keep telling you girls NOT TO BUY THE PANTS BEFORE YOU’VE TRIED THEM ON. Because you may buy them only to find out that they don’t fit, or don’t perform the way you expected them to. If you had just taken them for a test run before you bought them, you’d have known this).

Jamie Lynn diScala is splitting with her husband, too. I think he’s also her manager or something, so it’s pretty obvious what her “That’s it. I’m out” moment was. It’s hard enough to be married without WORKING together, too. I mean, my God, you do need SOME time apart. I would rather keep my work life and my romantic life separate, thanks.

Chad Michael Murray was already visiting strip clubs the week after he married Sophia Bush, which was obviously a “That’s it. I’m out” moment for her, since they’re splitting up after five months. I have to agree with Sophia. I have no problem with married guys going to strip clubs ONCE IN A WHILE, like for a bachelor party. But as their primary form of entertainment, and several nights a week? No.

Tori Spelling’s divorce is probably the most embarrassing, because she had this HUGE wedding and then within like three months she was hooking up with Dean McDermott while they were working on the set of a made-for-TV movie together. I don’t even have to say ALLEGEDLY because she admits it in this week’s PEOPLE magazine.

Tori DOES say she’s sorry, but it’s a little late now. She also said something that totally cracked me up about how her mother told her it’s always better for the man to be a little bit more in love with the woman than she is with him, and that she followed this advice, and that’s why her marriage didn’t work out.

The reason this cracked me up is because it is THE EXACT SAME THING this girl said to me when she was trying to talk me out of going out with He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Blog.

See, HWSNBNITB and I were friends for a loooooong time (ten years) before we started going out, and when we DID hook up, we didn’t tell anyone for awhile because, like Monica and Chandler from FRIENDS, we felt like people would freak out.

When we finally did mention it to this one girl we knew, she actually did freak out, and asked to speak to me privately, and then started in about how it’s always better for the guy to be just a little bit more in love with the woman than she is with him, and how she (this girl) could sense that I was REALLY in love with HWSNBNITB, and how this was a HUGE mistake, and how I should break up with him at once and go for some guy I didn’t like as much.

Um. Yeah.

So, basically, that was my “That’s it. I’m out” moment with that girl, with whom I happily have no more contact.

I’m dying to know what Kathy’s “That’s it. I’m out” moment with Matt was. If you find out, let me know.

More later.

Much love,

Meg