MORE MAIL BAG

July 8th, 2004

So as usual the letters I posted from the mail bag generated EVEN MORE MAIL, so I will quickly answer a few of the more urgent messages I received, then return to my regular blog next entry:

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Meg, why don't you ever talk about your husband in your diary? Is everything OK between you two?

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Um, yes. Thanks for your concern! I don't mention my husband very much in this blog because he is a very private person who likes to keep a low profile, and has asked me to PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM to my readers.

So basically, I have to respect his wishes, or else he won't cook for me anymore. Since he just graduated from the French Culinary Institute, this would be an extreme hardship for me. Also, I would starve, because I myself cannot cook, except bacon in the microwave, which I can't even do that well.

So please excuse me if I don't talk about my husband too much on this site. Know that is purely because the less I talk about him, the happier he is, which means the fancier my dinner is going to be.

You can however, read about a character who is based on him in my upcoming book, TEEN IDOL, due on shelves July 27. The character of Scott Bennett is, basically, my husband.

Anyway, please be assured my husband is alive and well, and that we are approaching our twelfth anniversary. Which leads to this letter:

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Dear Meg,

I know you have been married a long time. Sorry if this is too personal, but why don't you have kids?

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Who are you, my grandma or something???? Just checking, as this is the kind of thing a grandma would ask (not MY grandma, of course, because she is the OPPOSITE of Grandmere, and is the epitome of tact).

I didn't get married because I wanted to have kids. I got married because I love the person I'm with very much. I know some people get married because they want to have kids, but I am not one of those people. I wanted to marry my husband because I figured if we were married, it would be much harder for him to get away from me, if he ever decided he wanted to do so (so far, it's working). I knew I was going to have to something drastic, like marry him, shortly after tasting his salad dressing. There was no way I was letting some other girl have total access to his vinaigrette.

I entertained the idea of having children back in my twenties, but gave up on it shortly after witnessing a birthing video that the hospital gave to my then boss, who was pregnant. No offense to all you mothers out there, but GROSS!!!! I mean, kudos for going through with it, because without you, none of us would be here. But OH MY GOD!!!!

Did you guys know there's something called a MUCUS PLUG????? Okay? Did you know about this? Just thinking about it makes me want to pass out. All of you people who keep asking me why I don't have kids: DO YOU GUYS EVEN KNOW ABOUT THE MUCUS PLUG????

And okay, I know the gift of life is precious and all of that, and that's great—FOR PEOPLE WHO REALLY KNOW THEY WANT IT.

But for the rest of us, who are like, on the fence? I don't think we have any business having kids. I think if you're going to have kids, you need to be TOTALLY SURE that is what you want. Because it is, at the very LEAST, an eighteen year commitment. People who are like, “Well, I GUESS I want a kid, because that's what everybody else I know is doing”—OK, people like this, they are the ones who make VERY BAD PARENTS.

If you are going to have a kid, you need to be READY, you need to be all gung ho about it, you need to be like: “OK, I am in it for the long haul, I am sacrificing everything for this little person, and I am NOT going to sleep until noon anymore or even stay in bed ALL DAY on Sunday watching Real World marathons because I am committed to raising this kid to be a happy, healthy member of the community and not a serial killer and/or crackhead.”

OK? If you can't say this to yourself, and stick to it, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS HAVING A KID.

And since I cannot say ANY OF THIS to myself, I am not going anywhere near that mucus business. NO WAY. And no matter how many of you moms, at cocktail parties and stuff, go on to me about how you never knew what love was until you looked into the eyes of your newborn, I can say only: NICE TRY. I AM NOT FALLING FOR IT. COME TO ME WHEN THE KID IS 13 AND HATES YOUR GUTS AND TELL ME ABOUT THE MIRACLE OF LIFE THEN.

In the meantime, I will be in bed, watching the Real World marathon.

PS I can't shake the feeling that I ALREADY HAVE KIDS. Yes. YOU GUYS ARE MY KIDS. You are as much kid as I can handle. I also have a baby niece now, Maddie, for whom I can buy Barbie stuff, so I don't actually NEED kids. Phew.

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Meg, I know you are single. What are your dating tips for us single gals?

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Okay, I don't know where this is coming from, since I have been married for almost twelve years. I'm afraid I might be a little rusty with the old dating tips thing.

But I will repeat my mantra that nerds make the best boyfriends. Here is why:

a) They will always be eternally grateful that you went out with them in the first place and so they will ALWAYS remember to call when they said they were going to call, as opposed to jocks and/or playas, who will only call when they feel like it, which will be, like, Friday. Night. At eleven.

b) There are LOADS of employment opportunities for nerds, so you never have to worry about having to pay for your own dinner, because the highly employable nerd will ALWAYS have enough cash to take you out.

c) Nerds age more gracefully than jocks. When jocks stop working out (which they will, as soon as they graduate) all of that muscle turns to fat. Nerds never had muscles in the first place, so they will never get fat. Or if they do, they will be even MORE grateful to you for going out with them, and will be even nicer to you.

d) A nerd can ALWAYS fix your computer. I know this doesn't sound like a big deal right now, but trust me, the next time someone sends you a virus, you will be WISHING you'd been a little nicer to the IT guys in your office.

How can you attract a nerd? This is so easy it isn't even funny. You don't need to wear a miniskirt or even make up. Just be a girl.

Then go where the nerds go. Anything to do with comic books is good—conventions are the best. Stores are good. Clubs to do with manga…trust me, you will find the nerd for you there.

Ditto computers. Where the computers are, so will be the nerds. They are particularly drawn to Mac stores. If there is an Apple store in your community, go there NOW! If possible, get employment there. You will have your choice of nerds.

Computer conventions/conferences are also a choice destination for the nerd. You cannot keep them away from them! I have also spotted nerds at video arcades and, yes, even the local library and Barnes and Noble, in the sci-fi section.

What do nerds converse about? Nerdy stuff. Watch (or better yet, read) LOTR. Familiarize yourself with Hellboy. Mention that you own a PowerBook. And you're good to go.

I know what you are thinking: But Meg, the nerds I know aren't very…you know…hot.

Let's be honest now: Which would you rather have, a hot guy, or a guy who WORSHIPS THE GROUND YOU WALK ON? To me, there is nothing hotter than a guy who totally adores me and calls me when he says he will. Seriously. Give me a guy who calls over a guy who looks like Colin Farrell any day.

I hope this has helped.

SPECIAL NOTE TO GIRL NERDS: Last time I posted my Ode to Nerds, I got mail from girl nerds (geekettes) outraged over my apparent neglect of them. Ladies, I KNOW there are girl nerds….BECAUSE I AM ONE OF YOU. And granted, I can't fix my own computer, but NO ONE LOVES STAR WARS MORE THAN ME OR HAS WRITTEN MORE HUNDREDS OF PAGES OF SW FAN FICTION THAN ME. OK??? So back off!!!! You know you're just mad because I'm revealing your big secret to the entire word—about male nerds making the best boyfriends. Don't worry, there are enough guy nerds for ALL of us. So go watch some Daria and relax and know that I am there with you, soul sister.

I would just like to close this entry with a visual. It is of my bedroom closet. I don't know how many of you have problems keeping your closet clean, but I do. In fact, my closet is normally such a disgusting mess, I can't find anything in it. It is for this reason, I believe, that Henrietta started hanging out in there, because she knew I'd never find her and then want to pet her, her least favorite activity.

So you can imagine my shock the other day when my husband said, “I cleaned your closet.”

I didn't believe him, since it would take a small bulldozer to clean my closet. But he went, “Fine, go look.” So I went into the bedroom, and discovered this:

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You can see why I married him.

More later.

Much love,

Meg